


isn't it normal?

by scooter3scooter



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Tree Bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-27 21:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16710400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scooter3scooter/pseuds/scooter3scooter
Summary: I mean, isn't it normal? Doesn't everyone think like this? Think like-think about how they'll die. How quick it'll be. I-I don't want it to be painful. But it was last time. But I didn't die. I didn't. I fell. Right?





	isn't it normal?

_I mean, isn't it normal? Doesn't everyone think like this? Think like-think about how they'll die. How quick it'll be. I-I don't want it to be painful. But it was last time. But I didn't die. I didn't. I fell. Right?_  
  
“Ev? Evan? You okay?” Connor gently squeezed my hand. Has he been here the whole time?

“Yeah, yeah of course. I-I'm fine. Good. I'm good,” I tried to cut off my ramble as quickly as possible.

“That's not concerning at all,” sarcasm laced his voice before a more serious tone took over, “what's going on?”

_I could tell him. Tell him that I wonder sometimes how many notes I would leave behind. How many people I would address. Definitely Mom and him, do I even have anyone else? Probably not Jared, he wouldn't care enough._

“Ev? You zoned out again,” he pulled me back to reality. Has he been sitting this close to me this whole time?

“I'm good, really,” I lied. It's just easier to lie, then I don't have to take their disappointment and their judgement. _But would Connor judge me? He attempted before. But he's actually been doing better and all I've done is get worse. I'm pathetic and weak and worthless and such a burd-_

He cut off my suffocating thoughts, “you know you can tell me anything, right?” No.

Before he could say another word his phone went off. A few profanities tumbled out as he stated that his mom was asking where he was. It's not like the Murphy’s know that Connor is dating the likes of me.

Before he ran out, escaping me, he placed a feather-like kiss on my temple. It means nothing. All of this means nothing. How could I even think of telling him of all my thoughts? All my darkness and how broken I am? He's doing so much better and I just want to weigh him down more.

It would be so much easier if I just disappeared.

There's so many ways to do it. I just got a refill, I could overdose easily. There's rope in the garage. I have my blades hidden at the bottom of my drawer. I could climb another tree…

_But I fell last time. I did. I lost my grip. And I just...didn't try to break my fall. Why else would I have gotten up if I hadn't fell?_

I'm going to be alone for the next… who even knows how many hours? There's no chance I could get caught.

Sometimes it's enough to just hold it. Sometimes just knowing that I can, is enough for me not to. Sometimes it's enough to just trace the tiny blade over my skin, not enough to break through, but enough to know that I can.

It's not one of those days.

It's always the thighs. Always. Someone would notice if I did my arms. Would they? Mom’s not home enough to notice. Jared doesn't care about me. Would Connor notice? I mean, he cuts. Or used to. It kills me that he does, or did, it. But that's him. He matters. People would notice if he disappeared.

I'm just trapped in the background. Everything is just passing me by and I can't stop it. I'll never do anything good, let alone remarkable. I'm not worth it.

When did I start bleeding? Blood slowly dripped down my leg and into the floor. I'll have to clean the floor now. I should stop it, I know I should. I should get a bandaid and I should clean up the floor and I should be doing anything else. But this is so much better. What's the harm?

Quicker than I wanted the thin cut stopped bleeding, only for two more to take its place. And from there, more and more come. I counted once, the amount of scars littering my thighs. I lost count.

It's been, I'm not sure how long. But I'm still alone. But, I've always been alone. Even Dad knew better than to stay with me.

_Isn't it normal...doesn't everyone think about how many people would come to their funeral? How many people would cry? A week after, who would remember me? Who would even care? I've always been invisible, so who would notice if I just disappeared?_

I was out the door before any of my debilitating thoughts could stop me.

It was like it was ingrained in my head. I found myself at that tree not quickly enough. I don't know how much time I have, but it's not like anyone would come looking for me.

I barely spared a glance to look at my Khakis, blood started staining through them. I hadn't bothered doing anything to help the bleeding. I didn't clean up the blood in the bathroom floor. Even when I'm dead I'll still be burdening Mom.

I swiftly grabbed the first branch, pulling myself up. Then the next, and the next. I hadn't wrote a note. But it's not like anyone will notice.

“Evan?!” His voice broke.

I went up to the next branch as fast as I could, I'm not even to the limb I was at last time, and that wasn't enough. I need to go higher.

“Evan! Get down from there!” He was directly below me. He's not supposed to be here.

The only response I gave was going higher. Just a few more. Then I'll be high enough.

“Evan! I'm coming up there if you don't come down!” Though he tried to make his voice sound strong, it was wet with tears. _I made Connor cry?_

Then he started climbing the tree. He's not nearly as skilled as me, but by pure determination he started to catch up.

Then I was on that branch.

“Evan, please. I can’t lose you,” he cried.

“Go-go away Connor. You’re-you’re not supposed to be here,” then I broke into a sob. My whole body shook with each one, but I held tightly to the tree. _I’m not high enough yet._  
  
“Ev...I love you.”

“Go away,” I hid my face in my elbow as I cried harder, my other hand clutching my thigh, which was still bleeding after running over here.

_He's never told me that before._

It should be enough to bring me down from the tree. It should.

“I’m never leaving you. You matter, and I can’t live without you,” he climbed a bit higher, closer to me.

“No, no, no, you’re lying,” I accused, “you don’t care! Jared hates me! I only burden my mom! Even my dad left! I don’t deserve to be here. I need to leave. It’ll be better that way.”

“Your dad’s an idiot for leaving you. But me and your mom, we love you more than you could ever know.”

“You can’t guilt me out of this,” I mumbled, before going to the highest branch. _This is it._

But before I could finally fall, “Evan, I know how you broke your arm. You let go. And no one came to get you, but I’m here now. I’m here and I love you, and I’m not letting you fall. You helped me after my attempt, let me me help you.”

I just stared down, estimating the distance to the ground. _It has to be enough. It has to._

I could hear his grunts of effort as he tried to scale the tree. I still stared down, only using one hand to hold onto the branch.

“No matter what you’re feeling, whatever your mind is telling you, you matter. You matter so much, and I’m right here. I know I’m not always the best at comfort, but I’m trying. You’re trying, and that’s enough,” he won’t give up.

“Why?...Why won’t you just let me fall?” He made up to the branch under me. He reached up and held his hand over mine, preventing me from letting go.

“You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy. I need you, Evan.”

“I’m broken...I’m such a mess,” I let out a humorless laugh, which sounded more like a sob even to me. _He doesn't deserve this._

“You are perfect. Are you ready to climb down?”

Am I? I can just fall now. But Connor will see, and he’ll feel guilty. But it’s not his fault. It’s not. It’s me and my mind and my anxiety and everything wrong with me.

“I’m sorry,” I need him to understand. I have so many things to say but I can’t say them.  
  
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault, okay?”

I could fall right now. But do I want to?

Even as we climbed down, he stayed close and kept an eye on me. I’m not high enough anymore anyway. When we got to the base of the tree, he pulled me into the tightest hug I’ve ever been in.

“How’d you know?”

“I felt like I needed to come back to you. And then I saw the blood. I figured you may have come here,” my eyes drew back down to my legs, to the red stains on my pants. Connors eyed it too, somehow his gaze became even more saddened. He helped lower me to the ground, and we sat there. My leg didn’t seem too bad, so I let it be.

Then the tears came again, harder. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. Whispering reassurances in my ear, placing gentle kisses on my face.

“I-I...Connor-I was...I was going to...I was actually-” my breaths came too short. Not enough oxygen was coming in. I can’t breathe. I can’t. I can’t.

“Hey, hey, breathe with me,” his soothing voice sounded so wrong against my cries. He put my hand on his chest, taking exaggerated breaths. “In...out...in….out...that’s it, again, in...out...there. You feeling any better?” I shrugged after a moment.  
  
“Ev...can I see your leg?” He asked carefully, after I got to breathe for a minute. I must have looked like a deer in headlights. “It’s okay if you’re not comfortable with it, but I need to know that you’re not going to bleed out.” When I reached down to touch it, it still hurt of course, but it wasn’t bleeding much.

“‘m okay…”

“Are you?”

“No…”

“That’s okay. That’s okay. I’ll always be here, I’ll help you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all so this is my first fic, I know it isn't perfect so please please please give me feedback.  
> Believe me I understand how serious self-harm and suicide are. I know it's not easy, but if you need help please reach out to someone.


End file.
